and we're on different lanes
by kohee
Summary: Four lies Amanda tells herself about Carisi, in the aftermath of everything. Carisi/Rollins


one-shot; _and we're on different lanes_ _  
_pairing: dominick "sonny" carisi jr./amanda rollins  
word count: 2598 words  
note: prompt from anonymous on my tumblr, who requested for angsty Carisi/Rollins. Title taken from the lyrics of Yuna's _Lanes_.

 _begin_

She's _coping_ – well, no, that's a lie. Just one of many that she's been telling herself lately, so she can keep on moving, keep on breathing, keep on _being_ the same person she's always been.

She is, and she isn't.

 _lie no.1: she doesn't even like him to begin with; she had never really liked him_

Okay, so that maybe really isn't a complete lie. He didn't render himself likable all that much, rushing in all wide-eyed and enthusiastic, saying things and words that were unhelpful and annoying, and not to mention, _god_ , that _moustache_. The fact that he was being shuffled around all the other metropolitan departments' SVUs was telling on how agreeable (or capable) a person he actually is.

She didn't expect him to last; and she missed Nick, and having Carisi there just further emphasised how much she wanted Nick back (by her side, with her). She complained to Fin, she hated his over eagerness and his bumbling way of interrogation, but Fin merely just asked her to give him a chance, and reminded her of the way she was as a rookie, all those years ago. That kind of shut her up, but she resented that her partner seemed to take the side of the new guy.

When Nick was eventually reinstated, much to her relief, she expected Carisi to go. But somehow he stayed on with them, and Liv actually was starting to like him, because he was quick to learn, and good at adapting. And she grudgingly admitted (only to herself, and to no one else) that he wasn't as bad as he had made himself out to be, from that first impression, and that he actually could be a good detective.

And gradually, Carisi immersed himself into the dynamics of the squad. He still said dumb and inappropriate things at times, but somehow he was getting to be a little less infuriating. Not to Nick though, Nick had taken to disliking him immensely and there was little Carisi (or Amanda) could do to change his mind.

Amanda could still remember the first time she had felt differently about him. They were standing in that dilapidated warehouse, and she was trying to convince Evie Barnes there could be a life beyond what she thought she knew, that there are other ways, other options. That she had a choice. As Evie rebuffed her and turned away, she reached out, only to be stopped by Carisi.

"Amanda. Walk away."

That was _her_ choice, the choice she had made, Carisi stressed, as he led her away, and as she followed him, feeling numb, the fact that he had called her Amanda didn't escape her.

That was possibly the shift to their relationship, and she soon found herself defending Carisi in the face of Nick's disparaging comments, much to his disbelief. They actually had arguments about that, her and Nick – and being that they are both volatile, emotional people, that hardly ever ended well.

(More than once, she had wondered whether Carisi was actually one of the (minor) contributing factors to their relationship falling apart – but then she banished the thought, because there was Declan; and the idea that _Carisi_ had a part to play, just seemed too ludicrous.)

But as they worked together, side by side, day by day, things were changing, and she was okay with it. He was open and trusting, and he sort of made her laugh, and she soon forgot how he had irritated her in the beginning.

Nevertheless, for now, that is the lie she's telling herself, that she didn't like him to begin with, never liked him to begin with, so with him out of her life now, this really shouldn't be so hard.

* * *

 _lie no.2: she's just trying to get over Nick. and Declan. him and her, it doesn't really mean anything._

It was probably one of the worst times in her life; and for once her life wasn't messed up by the gambling, or her sister. It was just her being _her_ , and fucking up everything in her path.

It wasn't working, Nick and her, and in hindsight, maybe it wouldn't have worked, ever. With them, it was all about the attraction, the fire, the heat, and sometimes the antagonism, that made the sex great, but at times, it seemed like that was all there is to it.

She couldn't be sure that she ever loved Nick. She probably did, but it was so hard to be sure sometimes.

And then there was Declan. He came back into her life like a tornado, whirling through and sweeping her off her feet, just as her relationship with Nick was falling into the state of disrepair.

At first it was okay, she was just looking for _something_ , a thing, a fling, whatever. But gradually, the tone of their affair changed, at least to her. There was always something about Declan, from the day he stopped her from ruining her life and from falling into the abyss of no return, and she knew it.

He had saved her, and wasn't it typical for a Southern belle to fall for her saviour?

But she should have known that it would never be that kind of relationship, Declan and her, it could never be. His undercover work, his _principles_ , his obsession with taking down international sex trafficking rings – all of that didn't exactly indicate a long-term relationship.

It was a stupid mistake, one moment of heat and passion where she wasn't careful, _they_ weren't careful, and that was all it took.

He was already out of her life and submerged in the dark side of Serbia when she found out that she was pregnant.

It was all too much at the time, with the Yates case, all that pressure on the squad, she didn't even have a moment to process all of it, it just caved it upon her. She didn't allow herself to stop and think about what it meant to her life, until the moment at the vending machine, when Carisi asked her whether she had told anyone about it.

It shocked her that he knew, and for one brief moment, it _overwhelmed_ her, and she was this close to just collapsing on his shoulder, and doing something stupid like _crying_ because she was fucking scared.

But she pulled herself together, and for some reason, found herself clarifying that it wasn't Nick's baby (not that it was any of his business).

Carisi took it in his stride, and did not ask any more questions. But he was different towards her after that. He didn't suffocate her with attention or treat her as if she was an invalid, but it was just the little things – sour candy to help her with morning sickness, taking the heavier case files, one hand on her back whenever there are stairs and steps.

And she couldn't forget the time when he sat beside her on the hospital bed, held her hand and told her that she was one of the strongest people he knew. That she would pull through this. That she would be okay. That she would be a great mother.

He was there for her when Jesse was born, pacing all night in the hospital as she went through the complicated birth. And he was there for her after Jesse was born, spending time with her when she was on maternity leave, giving helpful (but often unsolicited) advice, he cooked for her, he watched trashy television with her, he was _just there_ , for her and Jesse.

It somehow made sense for her to kiss him that one time, and it made sense for her to unbutton his shirt and push it off his shoulders as he kissed her back fervently. It made sense that she took him into her bedroom, and it made sense for them to fall into bed in a tangle of arms and legs, lips fused together, because it had been building up.

But it didn't mean anything. She was just craving for something, _someone,_ it could be _anyone._ The fact that it was Carisi didn't mean anything then, and it doesn't mean anything now, and the fact that he's _gone_ now shouldn't hurt at all.

Maybe if she repeats the lie a few thousand times, she can actually start to believe it.

* * *

 _lie no.3: they would've broken up eventually, and she'll get over it._

He was so in love with Jesse; and that was obvious to anyone and everyone. It didn't come as a surprise; Carisi had always struck her as someone who loves children, someone who is good with children.

But there was just something innately special about the way he was with Jesse, the way he was just so _taken_ with her, the way Jesse always stopped crying whenever Carisi picked her up, the way strangers on the street just assumed that Jesse is his.

So he loves Jesse, and he told Jesse that every time he saw her. As for them, they still sleep with each other, occasionally, but they never talked about it, _he_ never talked about it. It wasn't a relationship, she couldn't call it that, not that she wanted one given her history with men.

But then he finally cornered her (and she should've seen it coming), and then he told her that this whole casual thing was not working for him, because he wanted something much more. He wanted her, he wanted Jesse, he wanted to be in their lives.

And because she _knows_ him, knows him better than she had ever known Nick or Declan or any other man, she knows that he would never hurt her, hence she took the gamble.

Thing is, she'd never been good with the whole gambling business.

He would never hurt her, but she couldn't say the same for herself when it came to him. She had been burned too often and too badly to really trust anyone again, even if it was Carisi. She couldn't give herself fully to him, she couldn't open up, and she couldn't love him like he wanted her to.

He would tell her that he loves her, and she would just avoid saying anything back. He understood at first, and did not push her. But eventually, his patience ran out.

"I am a human being with feelings," he told her. "I just cannot keep doing this, Amanda. I need to know how you feel, I need to know that I am not the idiot in this relationship, clinging onto something that you do not want."

The words stuck to her throat, she just couldn't say it, couldn't reassure him, and she didn't know why.

And so, eventually, even if it ripped him apart, he gave up.

"I can't do this anymore. I'm tired, I'm so tired, Amanda, and I don't want to fight for this – whatever this is."

Even if she could see this coming; even if she knew she would eventually destroy this because she couldn't stop fucking up, she could still feel her veins turning into ice, her thoughts all jumbled in her head. She tried to talk, "Dominick, can't you...look, under the circumstances..."

"What circumstances?" He interrupted, his voice hollow. "This little thing about me being in love with you? Don't worry, I'll get over it."

And he left her, walking out, and the next day, she found out from Liv that Carisi had put in his notice, and had joined the training programme at the New York County District Attorney's Office, officially beginning his training as an ADA in the Trial Division.

He didn't even look at her during his farewell party on his last day at SVU, deliberately avoiding her, only giving her a quick handshake without meeting her eye, and she had to duck into the holding cell to compose herself, shaky and blinking furiously.

Fin found her in there and didn't quite know what to say.

"Look, Amanda, I don't know what happened with you and Carisi..."

"Nothing happened." She told him. _Nothing, nothing, nothing._

It isn't ever meant to last, she tells herself now. It isn't ever going to work out; she doesn't love him enough, she couldn't love him enough.

It's better this way, she'll get over it.

She's becoming rather good at lying to herself.

* * *

 _lie no.4: love can't conquer all. no matter how badly she wants it to._

It doesn't seem to be getting easier, but she tells herself it is. She convinces herself that she doesn't miss him as much anymore, she likes to think it's all hurting a little bit less.

It's just another day of getting by, and she's on her way to pick up an autopsy report from Melinda when her phone rings. She answers it, and it's Fin.

"Amanda, I don't know if I should be telling you this, but Barba just told me that Carisi is in the hospital."

Her heart leaps to her throat and she stops walking, clutching her phone to her ear, her knuckles white. "Hospital?"

"He collapsed in the middle of an arraignment today. You shoulda heard Barba bitching after he found out that Carisi wasn't dead..."

"Fin! Is he all right?"

"Why don't you go and find out for yourself?" Fin says bluntly. "Amanda, you gotta go sort this shit out."

She hangs up, and heads to the hospital.

She's never liked the smell of hospitals. Despite all the sterilizers and detergents, there's still the faint sense of illness, of sickness held briefly at bay. Carisi is the last person she wants to see here, the last person she wants to imagine in a hospital bed, but he's there, and so is she.

He looks _grey_. There's none of his usual easy-going demeanor, there's nothing of the Carisi she knows. He's tired and exhausted and miserable, and it shows. His eyelids flutter and he peers at her through bleary eyes.

"Amanda?"

"You idiot," she bursts out. "What have you been doing to yourself?"

"Working myself to the ground. Missing you. The usual."

"Dominick..." She walks closer to him, and stands just beside him, looking at him, trying to hold back her tears. She wants to take his hand, but she doesn't think she could take it if he rejects her.

"How's Jesse?" He asks.

"She misses you."

He gives a ghost of a smile. "I miss her, too." He leans back against his pillow and sighs. "I've been such a mess," he says.

"So have I," she manages. "Can I stay here for a while?"

"What exactly are you doing here, Amanda?" He asks resignedly. "Don't make this any fucking harder for me than it already is."

She picks up the courage to take his hand in hers, and he doesn't pull away. "I'm sorry. I...I'm just a massive fuck up, and you know it."

He laughs tiredly. "I know. And I loved you despite that, but there's only so much I can take."

She squeezes his hand. "I want to pretend that we can start over. That I can tell you..." she swallows once, and plunges on. "...tell you that I love you, I always have, and I should've told you that from the beginning."

He looks at her steadily, and an array of emotions flickers through his eyes. He raises her hand to his lips, and brushes her knuckles with a kiss.

"I'm not going to fall in love with you again," He says, matter-of-factly.

* * *

The truth is, he'd tell her later, is that he had never really stopped loving her.

 _end_

I don't usually like writing Rollins as a complete fuck up and incapable of sustaining a relationship - but this refused to go away in the context of the angst plot. And also, this didn't end angsty - I was going to end it at lie number three, but ugh, I couldn't leave it that way. So that's that.


End file.
